I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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