At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
