your parents love me but you hate me
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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