So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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