I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
