I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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