Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
And then he peed in my hair
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