Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
