Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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