Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Randomize