I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
you made out with another girl for some wings
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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