Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
