it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
