I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Randomize
