I should be sponsored by Trojan
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
