That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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