My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
