I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Randomize
