You made me cry and you don't even care
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
