I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
