Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
