You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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