So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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