I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I stole a fireplace last night.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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