I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I just gargled with NyQuil
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Randomize
