Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
