put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize
