There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
