I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
honey bunches of taint.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
