Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Randomize
