i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
