Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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