im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
