If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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