If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
