if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
