Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
