I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
