you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
