Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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