the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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