I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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