I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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