i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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