i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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