I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
