Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
We don't watch enough power rangers
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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