1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
