I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize