My liver just broke up with me...
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
