My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
