If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
