Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
