I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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