omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
