The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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