Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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