I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
