Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
