The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
