The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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