after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
