I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
They are going to name an STD after you.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
