so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
