My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
