Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
