The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
