apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize