i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
