May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
The Olympian is in my bed
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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