I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Then you guys just all showered together...?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize