The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
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