i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
